Too many voices in my head
I don't know why I am still mad, it's not like I have to deal with the 'problem' anymore. Well not on a personal level at least. The 'problem' has moved out, THANK GOD!!! I am free!!! now I just have to decide if I want to be free forever, I think unfortunately the answer is yes...I think I am over the anger, betrayl and pain ,then as soon as I think of the 'problem' it all comes rushing back. I think the easiest way for me to deal with this is to irradicate it from my life forever. It will be very hard to do as I hate saying goodbye to things, especially when they have so much history.
Yet, there also comes a time when I can no longer push myself to the limit for other people, I have to say no. I have to step back and move on a seperate path. Is this what life is about? Is this the 'adult' way to act. Sort of ironic how such a childish act has caused me to make such a grown-up choice...weird how life works. You see I still don't think of myself as a grown-up, I don't think I ever will, (and in some ways I'm glad for that). It's only when Iook at how people around me act, (the 'problem' being one example) I realise that whether I like it or not I am more mature in many respects ( and I admit not in others) than they are. Talking behind peoples back is not only childish, spreading rumours trying to get someone else in trouble, but it's also a very cowardly way to live life, (in my opinion). I don't like confronting people, actually I do try and avoid it when possible, but eventually there comes a time when you have to. You have to stand up and defend yourself, so that's what I did and you know what it felt great.
The 'problem' didn't have a foot to stand on and the feelings I had for them have long since gone, I fear never to return. Strange to twists and turns that life takes. I have moved on, but I still carry a grudge, it's much harder to forgive and forget than you think and then there's the rumours that still come back and haunt you...hmm funny how people know people who know people....small world really...anyway this will probably make no sense whatsoever to anyone, so I apologise. I just needed to have a rant get somestuff off my chest and blogging is one of the best ways.....ahhh I feel better now....hehe time for a coffee...