Thoughts, feelings, ideas I have...though some are a bit mad.
when reality hurts.
Published on November 4, 2004 By Lengirl In Home & Family
When I was a little girl I used to think my parents were invincible. They were there to protect me, teach me, and help me grow. As a child I was what could only be referred to as goody-two-shoes, the apple of my daddy’s eye, the memories I have from then are brilliant and give me so much comfort. When I started to grow as a teenager I started to change, I became…well…a bitch. I hated the rules, I fought my mother at every opportunity and consistently put my dad in the middle, and you know what? I don’t really know why, I suppose at the time I had my reasons.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the relationship wasn’t as bad as others; my mum still gave me hugs and took me on shopping sprees, let me go to friends places, let me stay up late etc. I just look back and know I could have done more to help her out (and my dad for that matter). I could have helped with dinner more, feed the cats more, made my bed and tidied my room more. Little things really, but things I didn’t do unless a shouting match occurred.

Something happened though when I left home, I went to boarding school at 16 at it was a great choice! I loved it, the freedom, the friends, the parties! What made things much better with my mum was the fact that it became my choice to go home at weekends. Our relationship took a new turn and I found that she was actually a great woman, who quite frankly could teach me a lot. From that moment everything changed, we crossed a line and became closer and I am so proud to call my mother my friend. She’s one of the best people I know to grab a bottle of wine, sit outside and gossip all night. I love her so much!

My dad is a bit more of an enigma however, we have always been close. I have always been daddy’s girl and still am in many ways. However I am also deeply in love with someone who has taken the role of ‘main man’ in my life. My dad likes him very much and wouldn’t want it any other way, but I know a part of him misses having his little girl. I am very much like my father, in that I wear my heart on my sleeve, talk way too much and tend to get quite emotional and caught up in things. He and I SHOULD not have major discussions ever; we just end up at logger-heads!! Where we differ though is that I listen to people, my dad tends to have so much to say he rushes through and doesn’t let other people respond. I love him very much even for this fault, and always will.

So what was I saying before, parents being infallible? I think this is the biggest problem when growing up; coming to the realisation that they are not. My parents divorced after 35 years of marriage when I was at university. I was a little sad, but old enough to know and understand that they weren’t happy and would be apart. So far so good, they have both moved on and while are still not perfectly happy, have built new lives and are getting on well.

Yet a few days ago my dad went into hospital, he has a heart problem that he’s had for the last 11 years (more next blog), but lately his angina has returned and so it was time to head back to hospital, he is still in there due to complications. He is so sad right now, he can’t see any light in the tunnel, and though I try to cheer him up (from the other side of the planet), I can understand. This is what I’m talking about, he’s not meant to get sick, my dad should be taking care of me. Parents aren’t meant to get ill; I know this would only be true in a perfect world. I also know my dad would rather die than have me in his place, and I understand that I’ll not know that type of love and emotion until I have my own children. It still doesn’t make it any easier to know what to say to him, how to help him. I don’t think I can, apart from saying I love you and I’ll be here to support you! I think this has helped.

I’ve gone on for long enough.


on Nov 04, 2004
Sorry to hear you Dad is poorly. Nothing like the impotence you feel when you have a 12,000 mile distance between you, is there?

I'm sure that your love and support is of great comfort to him, even if it's over the phone. Remember to look after yourself as well - so many times people spend so much energy worrying about others that they bring themselves down, and then you're no good to anyone!

Take care,

Suz xxx
on Nov 04, 2004

I just wish I could be there to give him a hug, or even talk to the doctors for him. I really do feel that he'll be okay, it's jus tI hate hearing him sound so sad.

I'll be sure to look after myself, thank-you for your support it's appreciated.